It's Tonio Al Tonio
by pinknekounicorn
Summary: Tonio is in for a surprise when a reporter from the 80s recruits him as a secret agent. From suicidal teenagers and drunken chauffeurs to a showdown with a crazed Vocaloid, he's in for a ride! Will he stop the villain or will he die painfully?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Dr Pepper and His Tres Amigos** **(part 1)**

Tonio had just got back from his _amazing_ opera performance to watch the news on his TV. When he turned it on, he was in for a shock.

"Hello, I'm Kennith and I am here reporting on the death of Kaito, head of the Shion Intelligence Agency (SIA)-"

Rolling his deep brown eyes, Tonio changed the channel. Of course Kaito was going to die. He's the only recorded failure in Vocaloid history!

"HEY! Do you want a repeat of 1987?" yelled Kennith's high pitched voice.

"This is 1965, you imbecile. Move along." Tonio said monotonously. Kennith continued to yell the report over the Doctor Who episode. Tonio was so annoyed that he muted the television, grabbed a record player and turned his Swan Lake music full blast. He didn't have time to listen to this kid rambling on about the death of a pathetic failure like Kaito.

The TV broke from the volume of the record, allowing Kennith to step out. Tonio tried to grab one of his silk cushions and shove it into his face but the young boy was too strong and he threw the cushion out of Tonio's window.

"I am your superior, K. And you, Tonio, are my agent."

Tonio started laughing. He couldn't believe that an 18-year-old from the future would be his leader. "Stop laughing! You're not _that_ much older than me!" Kennith said. He had had just about enough with this "secret agent" he'd been sent to collect.

"I'm a 40 year old virgin." Tonio stated. Why did he get the feeling that he was predicting future events?

They both stood there in awkward silence.

"So..." Tonio said, "What's my agent name?" Kennith thought about it for a few seconds.

"Shall we call you... James Bond?" he suggested, his curled red hair bouncing around.

"I'd rather not rip on a British snob who drinks Martini and lives around the M62." Tonio deadpanned.

"M16," Kennith corrected, "Al Tonio?"

"Are you _trying_ to get me assassinated?"

"No, but that would be a much healthier alternative. How about-"

"How about we call me Opera and shut up?" Tonio said. Kennith seemed very happy about this name.

"Great choice! You are Opera Bond, one of many illegitimate love children from James Bond!"

"Wait, WHAT?!"

"Come on!"

Later, K and **sniggers** _Opera_ were in their secret hideout.

"Sooo, what's the deal?" Opera asked.

"Well, it's believed that Kaito was killed by three Spanish Vocaloids who call themselves the Tres Amigos. Do you know anyone like that?"

"I don't know, K, although I did see two distinctly non-anime people being pelted with teacups because, well... they're not anime."

"But you're not anime, why are you okay?" K said, flipping through numerous non-important documents.

"Because I don't have an official design." Opera replied."Oh." was all K could say.

"We need to investigate into this bland and racially insensitive trio to see if Kaito's involvement with the FDC has anything to do with his disappearance."

"We're looking for the Federation of Drunk Crumpets?"

K sighed. This was going to be a _long_ day.

"No, Opera. The FDC, or Failure's Drinking Club, is a place where all the unpopular Vocaloids meet to drink. It houses Kaito, Meiko, Kiyoteru...even Ryuto Gachapoid, and he's underage!" K explained, nearly throwing his table over.

"Woah there, keep it easy!" Opera exclaimed. "So, where am I going?"

K replied, "We're going to Japan to investigate and see if the FDC's involvement in a case with rocket launchers may have also been a factor of the death."

"How are we going to get there?" Opera asked. K leaned over his desk towards the newly recruited agent, a smirk evident on his face.

"We go...by plane!"

At the airport, he was stopped by a young girl. She had long green hair that curled up at the ends with a small ponytail at the side. Her eyes were the same colour as her hair. It was Macne Nana!

"Oh. My. GOSH! You're so kawaii desu ne, let me take your picture!" she squealed, pulling a camera stand from her hat. Opera groaned. Even a cringey teenager could recognise him in the "disguise" (and by disguise, K meant a blue coloured tuxedo as opposed to the normal black one. Fedora and all).

He sat on the stool, fake smiling so that Nana could take his picture without fuss. Right when she was about to take her third photograph, two white-haired people came and blocked the shot. Nana tried to throw her special bread at them but the woman batted it away with her beer bottle. Nana ran away crying because she no longer served a purpose in the mission.

The white-haired people brought him to a chauffeur. She seemed to be in her 20s and had short brown hair.

"Meiko? Since when are _you_ allowed to drive?" Opera asked, but the chauffeur couldn't answer because she was too drunk. Opera yelled at Meiko that they were going to crash if she didn't leave the main road but she wasn't sober enough to understand. Opera concluded that she was an enemy agent and shot her. The people who took him just stared in amazement.

"What?" Opera said.

"She was your only method of transport," the woman said.

"So what? I'm just as capable at driving as she is!" the agent argued, knowing that it was no use. The man opened the cyanide cabinet that he stole from a drug lord (Big Al) and tried to place it into the cigarette without his sister knowing. He failed.

"Dell, no! I'm more suicidal than _you_!" the woman said.

"No, Haku, _I'm_ more suicidal!" Dell argued back.

Opera got sick of their arguing after five minutes. He kicked them out of the car and drove himself to the Shion residence.

At the Shion residence, he knocked on their door.

No reply.

He opened the door and walked inside. Nothing wrong so far. He was about to go home when his walkie talkie vibrated in his pocket. It was K.

"Opera, your skills as a spy are laughable to say the least. You straight up murdered one of the FDC members without my permission, kicked out a bunch of suicidal teenagers and drove off in the car that they stole! Do you have anything to say for yourself, young but not really man?"

Opera chuckled. He knew exactly what to say.

"At least I'm still alive."

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Dr Pepper and His Tres Amigos (part 2)**

Opera hung up on K with a triumphant grin when he saw a photo.

 _"Hm..."_ he thought, _"I wonder what this photo is."_ He picked it up and found it was attached to a photo album. He examined the pictures.

One of the pictures was of Kaito and Meiko happily buying ice cream together. K tuned in straight after Opera found the picture.

"Now, we need to find the boatman and - oh yeah, you killed her. Idiot."

Opera was happy when he heard his superior's voice. Sure, it was high pitched and kind of annoying but it was better than nothing.

"So, the boatman's uncooperative for the time being. What's the plan, K?" he asked.

"Well, we were going to find your old friend Felix but AY! he isn't available right now."

"Brilliant."

"Don't blame me."

Silence rang.

"Don't worry about it," K said in his attempt to break the silence, "I sent you another one of your friends, Dex...if that's ok with you, haha..."

Opera realised that K was an utter genius despite his age.

"No, it's brilliant K!" said Opera, reassuring his superior quite easily.

"Perfect. Don't screw up this time or I'll have to deal with this personally, you understand?"

Opera nodded. K smiled before tuning out.

Later, Dex arrived. He was much more popular and well-known than the opera singer, so how he snuck into Japan without being recognised was beyond him.

"Hey, Toni-"

"It's Bond. Opera Bond."

"You're a girl?"

"WHAT? NO!"

"Liar. I bet you just want to get in K's shorts, don't you?"

"No..." Opera felt a familiar warmth creep in. K was... _kind of_ adorable...and sexy and... **sigh**...intelligent ,but he was only 18. Opera was 40. He'd probably get arrested for pedophilia if he tried anything. Besides, he didn't even know the kid!

"Relax, bro. Your secret's safe with me." Dex said before whispering, "Besides, K is _pretty_ _hot_..."

Opera wanted to blow his face off but then he remembered that Dex was his friend.

"The FDC has determined that the mysterious rocket incident-"

"What incident?"

Dex rolled his gold eyes.

"K told you about rocket launchers, right?"

"Yes he did, actually."

"Well, I discovered that the rockets from that incident actually jammed Leon and Lola's voice banks, screwing up their accents and therefore limiting their uses."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"They were launched from Spain."

"Oh. Anything else?"

Dex thought for a moment before saying, "Nah, I was too busy staring at his cute little butt."

"Pedophile."

"No, I'm only about two years older than him."

"How are we friends again?"

"Dunno."

The two men shrugged before returning to the Shion residence.

After a more thorough search, they found a receipt signed by a man simply called "Master".

"You think he's kinky, O?" Dex asked out of the blue. Opera almost choked.

"How so?" he said, regaining his composure.

"You know. Whips, chains, BDSM, the like... wonder if he has an interest in K..." Dex smirked, raising both eyebrows. Opera tried to imagine it but the thought of anyone touching his superior made him sick.

"What? He could be into that sort of stuff, you know?"

Opera wasn't amused.

"UGH, come on! Let's just go to Spain or something, it might help us track the Tres Amigos."

"Great thinking, ol' Daddy O!" Dex exclaimed, ruffling Opera's perfectly permed hair.

"I hate you so much..." Opera sneered.

"What was that, Dad?"

"Nothing, _son_."

In Spain, they soon spotted a young girl around Dex's age. She had long red hair in a ponytail and sharp blue eyes with scarlet eyeliner. She also had black wolf ears. Huh.

"Toni- I mean, Opera. This is my sister Daina. She's an inumusume."

"A what?" Opera asked.

"She's a bombshell, I know."

 **(AN: Inu means "dog" and musume means "daughter" or "girl", so Daina is either a "dog girl" or "daughter of the dogs".)**

Daina blushed at the compliment. She knew what her brother meant but it still felt nice being noticed by someone.

"Hello, Daina. I'm Opera." Opera said. Daina looked at him suspiciously.

"He's not an enemy, sis. He's trying to stop the Tres Amigos from terminating us Vocaloids."

Daina grew a bushy black tail. She sniffed Opera to make sure he was trustworthy and found no problems with him. She grinned childishly and transformed into her full wolf form, bouncing across the beach before turning her head to them.

"She wants us to follow her," Dex explained. Opera dragged his "friend" behind him as he struggled to catch up with the lively wolf. They ended up in a swamp.

"Wait... swamps don't exist in Spain, do they?" Opera looked at Dex, who just ignored him. Suddenly, a loud _NYEHHH_ was heard as a mysterious shadow loomed over them. Daina cowered back towards her brother, whimpering something in dog language.

"I'll deal with this. Opera, stroke Daina and stand back." Dex proclaimed, walking up to the "legendary dragon" his sister was talking about. It was just a limousine with a candle and a magnifying glass attached to it with tape.

"You call _this_ a dragon?" he cried, tears of laughter in his eyes, "This isn't even _close_ to a dragon! I bet it doesn't even work properly!"

Then he started kicking the machine.

Opera just sat there staring as the magnifying glass reflected the hot sun's rays right into Dex's forehead, burning an irreparable hole in his skull that killed him instantly. Three Spanish Vocaloids stepped out of the limo. One of them was a woman with black hair and brown eyes. She wore a red shirt that hung off the shoulders.

"Hola, Señor Toño. Me llama Clara."

Another one was a man with light brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a blue shirt and a black fedora.

"Me llamo Bruno y yo soy su esposo."

The final Vocaloid looked much paler and much more anime. She had waist-length, messy white hair that slowly gradated into a dark pink. Her eyes were also pink and she had a marking under one of her eyes.

"Me llama Maika. ¿Como estas?"

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Dr Pepper and _THE_ Tres Amigos (part 3)**

"I have many questions to ask you guys." Opera said. He couldn't speak Spanish and was very annoyed that the Tres Amigos expected him to understand what they were saying.

"¿Como que?" Clara asked, staring at the agent with her piercing eyes.

"Firstly, do you mind speaking English? I can't understand a single word you're saying!"

Clara rolled her eyes and said exasperatingly, "Sorry."

"Secondly, Maika, why do you look extremely anime while your henchmen look extremely non-anime?"

Maika thought about it. She looked at her henchmen before whispering, "We've been exposed! Seize him!"

Bruno and Clara both grabbed him. Daina ran away, howling in grief of her brother. Opera was decontaminated but he didn't like the room so he shot the people decontaminating him. He was later quartered in a strange lair and given coffee.

"I only drink Martini, Sir." he said, reslicking his hair so that he'd look good enough to escape hell if he died. The man serving him grabbed the coffee, which was drugged with 10 tablets of paracetamol, and forced it down his throat. The overwhelming amount of drugs knocked him out.

He later awoke and was escorted to dinner but this time, something was different ; the driver wasn't drunk! When he got there, a blonde girl with blue eyes and cat ears that were black and orange ushered him to a table, ordered him a Martini with chicken dippers and ran off to grab something. She returned, wearing a dead kitten around her shoulders and an evil expression.

"SeeU, why did you drug me just so that you could get dinner?" Opera asked. SeeU grabbed a pepper and smeared it on her face.

"I'm not SeeU, silly! I'm Dr Pepper and I'm a member of **BENDY**." she said in an evil voice.

" **BENDY**?"

"Yes, the **B** omb **E** rs who send **N** uclear **D** evastation upon **Y** ou."

Opera facepalmed.

"Wouldn't that be **BEWSNDUY**? No, it wouldn't even have an **E** , would it? I mean, if you're going to make an acronym out of your own motives at least make it funny, gosh dang it!"

SeeU stared at him blankly.

"Typical British men," she muttered.

"What is your motive, Pepper?" Opera asked.

"Well, I will disrupt the ZOLA Project so that Yuu, Kyo and Wil are never released! I will do this using the same technique that I used on Leon and Lola!"

"So let me get this straight, Doctor, you plan to blast the creators of ZOLA with several nuclear weapons until they can't produce the Vocaloids that helped V3, _the engine that you were released for_ , sell more than V2?"

"Yup."

"I see lots of problems with that."

"Guards, take him away!"

Bruno asked, "What if he sings?"

SeeU said, "Nuke him."

And Opera was dragged away.

Several whips to the crotch later, Opera found himself in a cell. He tried to shoot the walls down but the bullets ricocheted.

 _"I should probably call K now."_ he thought, switching on the walkie talkie.

"Opera? I'm supposed to call you, aren't I?"

Opera explained everything that had happened from their last call. K listened politely until the end.

"So, what was her plan again?" he asked.

"She wants to nuke the creators of ZOLA so that V3 sells less than V2."

"She's trying to make her own engine less popular, in other words?"

"Yup."

K burst into laughter.

"I'm sorry, but this plan is just priceless, you know?"

"It's pretty stupid."

"You said it. Listen, in the corner of every cell in movies there's an air vent. There may be a few obstacles along the way but if you can be the awesome agent I know you are then you'll pass with flying colours!"

"Thanks K."

"No problem! And then I'll tell you my real name!"

"Wait, so you're not called Kennith?"

"Kennith's just a role I play. Now get crawling before Dr Pepper gets away!"

He hung up and looked around. Surely enough, there was a huge air vent that was big enough for him to crawl through. He started crawling through the vent and found it easy...

...until the vent sloped upwards. He couldn't crawl up it no matter how hard he tried. He then saw a sign above him that said, "WARNING: 3ft drop below". So he just climbed the rest of the way.

Opera searched high and low until he spotted them. The nukes, of course, were arranged in a circle and pointing outwards. K tuned in.

"So, you found the nukes, huh Tonio?"

"K, I suggest that you stick to Opera until the mission's over."

"Spoilsport. Anyways, look outside."

Opera looked. There on a jetpack was K, who was waiting to escort him. He smiled gratefully.

Just then, a loud _JOLT_ was heard as the nukes slowly made their way upwards. Dr Pepper stood on a platform in the center of the nuke circle.

"Ah, I see your little friend over there helped you escape my cell." She sneered, gesturing towards K. "Well, I can't be bothered with _him_ anymore. Maika, launch the nuke!"

Maika obliged without a second thought.

"K!" Opera yelled.

Dr Pepper continued her pre-prepared speech, "Too long has Japan outdone us Koreans with their millions of Vocaloids...but not anymore! No longer will I be degraded by you or anyone and..."

As the insane Korean continued her speech, the Españoids she hired got bored and walked away from her. Opera knew that people found his voice "beautiful", so he sang **_"Phantom of the Opera"_**. His voice was so nice that the nuclear weapons fell asleep and therefore couldn't be used to destroy ZOLA.

All the metal rusted and broke, causing the crazed cat lover to fall through the collapsing platform and into a boiling pool of hard water and bleach mixed together. As she screamed in agony, K took Opera's hand.

"K? You're alive!"

"Of course I am, now let's move!"

They both escaped the falling building without any injuries somehow.

"Hey, Tonio?"

Tonio answered, "What?"

"Did I mention that you have a beautiful voice?"

"Why thank you. Opera's my specialty."

They sat there in silence. It was a pleasant one this time.

"Remember what I promised you while you were in that cell?"

Tonio tried to think but he had forgotten. "Not really..."

"I promised to tell you my real name, remember?"

"Oh yeah, you did."

"Well, it's..."

 **If you want to know K's real name, stay around for the extras:)**


	4. Chapter 4 (finale :D)

**Chapter 4: K's Real Name**

"My real name is Fukase."

Tonio was confused. Why was K's name so _suggestive_? Did he like getting it in the rear? If so, did that mean he had a chance? He knew that he'd probably go to jail in the morning but a voice in his head told him not to care, so he didn't.

"How do you pronounce your name?" he asked. Fukase smirked.

"Depends."

"Depends on what?" asked Tonio, raising an eyebrow.

"Depends on what country you're in."

"Tell me."

Fukase sighed, "Alright then...but if you laugh then I'll kill you, got it?"

"Sure, do your worst."

The redhead cleared his throat, his cheeks dusted a light pink.

"Well, in Japan it's pronounced foo-kas-e. The Japanese vowel for 'u' is pronounced 'oo'."

Tonio blinked. It seemed innocent enough but...there just had to be some sort of catch. It couldn't possibly be _that_ simple.

"What about the English version?"

Fukase went completely red this time.

"Well... I went on an English website to see how people pronounced my name and...well...it's a bit...uh..."

"Come on, tell me..."

"Well, English people pronounce it as..."

"As what?"

Fukase took a deep breath.

"They say...Fuck-ass!"

Tonio stifled a laugh. He knew it was dirty in some way but he didn't want to upset Fukase so he didn't laugh.

"The English pronunciation is actually pretty accurate because... I'm gay!" Fukase was still red. Tonio placed his hand over the younger one's hand and smiled genuinely. Fukase smiled back and started leaning towards his agent, only stopping when their faces were inches apart. Tonio was puzzled.

"I know we only met a few hours ago but... I like you," Fukase said before smashing his lips against the older man's. Tonio flinched a little bit but gladly returned the favour. After a while, they pulled away. Cops had gathered outside.

"Put your hands in the air!" the head chief yelled, getting his gun out. Tonio had used up all his ammo shooting the wrong people during his mission, so he couldn't use his gun. He looked at Fukase, who was smiling apologetically.

"So, _Fuck-ass_ , do you have anything to say?"

"Can we sing Magnet?"

 **Sorry, but in my mind Tonio and Kennith are bæ! Anyways, hope you enjoyed the ride (I enjoyed writing this story) and...yeah, Kennith belongs to GHOST, I recommend that you subscribe to her because she's AWESOME!**


End file.
